the big 4-0!

January 30, 2011

well, today i turn 40 years old.  i never thought about it before.  i never thought about being 40 or where my life would be at this point.  i have to tell you that everything up till now has been a surprise.  there are so many things i was when i was younger that i am going to strive for now.  i was once a planner, a list maker (as in to-dos) and such.  i was creative and bubbly.  you know, i really liked these things about myself.  why did i change you ask?  that requires another paragragh.

i think i changed mostly because my whole life changed.  i became a mom with a man i did not really love and he was mean.  BIG mistake.  i had a job that i really hated for a loooong time. i became very rebelious.  obviously these are in no order.  i could go on and on but it may get real boring for you.  the thing is that i think i let others change me.  i think i let others run me and make me into who they wanted me to be.  now, i am with a man who loves me and who i love back.  who wants me to be me.  i am finally at a place in my life where i can accept me being me.  i am comfortable with who i am.  do i have a lot of friends?  not not really, but you know the friends that i do have i CHOSE to be friends with.  do i have a lot of money?  no, but that is because i have chosen a life for me that is simple.  not so heavy on the mind.  am i the most creative person in the world?  heck no, but i enjoy what i do.  and you knw, i kind of even like the things i create now.

my grandmother, god rest her loving soul, whose birthday i was born on once told me.  you know mary, one of these days, probobly in your late 30s you will come to a point in your life where you don’t care what people think anymore.  you won’t care what people say about you.  you will just strive to be the best person you can be and surround yourself with people who like you for you and most importantly people who you actually like.  you may ask yourself; why in the world would you surround yourself with people you don’t like.  well, its not that i didnt like them, its just that i thought i had to know a lot of people to be someone.

when i was young, from about the age of 8 until the age of 13, i did not have any friends. i mean okay, i had my younger sister.  she was wonderful to me. see, i was and still am overweight.  now mind you, i have come to terms with it.  i am not grotesque or anything, but i am pleasantly plump.  i will not make your eyes bleed if you look at me.  anyhoo, i was teased horribly.  and then one day my dad said to me, you know mary you have to learn to laugh at yourself.  don’t let others laugh at you.  laugh with them.  well, at first i was like are you kidding me.  it is hard to laugh when you are crying.  but then one day i tried it.  i laughed and didn’t cry.  and lo and behold it worked. those kids didnt know what to do.  so after that believe it or not they started to talk to me laugh with me. include me in their jokes and not just because i was the brunt of the jokes either.

i guess what i am trying to say in a very lengthy way is that this year, i am going to be me.  i am going to take all of my life’s experiences and all that i have been taught and told by my family and put it to good use.

i am who i am and that’s who i am going to be.


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